#2

Just some random thoughts.

Sometime when I was in the crowded car of the underground. I often think:

“What if someone here can actually read my mind?”

Then I started to observe. Keep looking around for weird eye contacts.

The thought process here is really straightforward, right? If someone can read my mind. They would have noticed that I noticed them about the mind reading. So they might check on me a bit. But at the same time, I thought if they did find out, they are not stupid enough to act weirdly to expose themselves. Then I thought. They might find my thought process immaturely funny, so they might laugh or smile? Then I started to find someone that was happen to laugh or smile at that moment.

Sometimes I’ll start actively thinking about something like “Hey mind readers. Don’t be scared. I not a ‘fuck this is cool I’m gonna tweet this’ type of people. So just tell me the truth that I suspected for ages. Come on, cooooooooome ooooooon.” Just to trick them. But it never worked.

And when I did find any weird looks coming back from some of the strangers (got to be coincident BTW) I will intentionally think about something really rude or offensive to that person and see how they respond. Or just that tiny little facial expression, that could be leaked out by human nature. And sometimes, well most of the times, nothing changed. So I will go more towards to the nasty side. God I’m awful…

It’s kinda mind boggling that sometimes some of the individuals, they did respond to me. But I guess that was mostly because of the uncomfortable starring that started by me.

And then I realized. If someone can read my mind. They would have noticed all these thought process that beaming around my tiny brain. They will probably just do a “meh” (of course, in their mind) then walk away in silent.

That’s depressing.

Oops. I missed my stop while writing this.

#01

I’m not sure if this is how depression feels. But I hope it isn’t.

It’s not like a light switch, that can be suddenly switched on or off. It’s more like a water tap. And when it’s being switched open gradually. You won’t feel it until it’s too late. 

And suddenly, in one second. Something clicked. Everything started to collapse.

Time started to slow down. Although it really didn’t. But you feel more and more “detached” from the current flow of time. People walking by, you don’t feel it. Car honking on the road, you don’t hear them.

I think it feels like that mostly because your senses are getting more and more dull. Again it’s like somehow you get detached from the current existing world. Sound and noise that normally surrounded you, started to get muffle and weak. Chatters from the table in front, or even people who are talking or shouting to you. Their voice are just not able to pass through.

Next. Vision started to impair. Everything is slowly turning into black and white. Well not really. It’s a weird, faded, grainy type of looking. Everything seems not interesting anymore, and yet lethal.

Why I’m writing this? I don’t know.

I think I lost something.

Many things happened recently.

Many subtle things.

That changed me quite a lot.

I used to be quite open about my… Everything? The good parts, the bad parts. The beautiful parts, and those weird and nasty parts.

But now if I want to say something, or suggest something to someone, or just about to share something that I found. I became quite anxious. A lot of those taboo things that I found myself fascinated with. I never consider that someone, or probably many others will find them disgusting. Or I knew that all along, just didn’t want to admit it.

True. You can never force someone to fall in love with something. Especially that “something” has its weird side. However you can expect someone to put up with that and satisfy you by doing something that you love, but you can never force someone to love doing it.

Well, I don’t know. But I guess from now on if they don’t mention it first, I better don’t start talking about it either.

Wish everyone can eventually get what they really wanted.

Peace