I’m not sure if this is how depression feels. But I hope it isn’t.

It’s not like a light switch, that can be suddenly switched on or off. It’s more like a water tap. And when it’s being switched open gradually. You won’t feel it until it’s too late. 

And suddenly, in one second. Something clicked. Everything started to collapse.

Time started to slow down. Although it really didn’t. But you feel more and more “detached” from the current flow of time. People walking by, you don’t feel it. Car honking on the road, you don’t hear them.

I think it feels like that mostly because your senses are getting more and more dull. Again it’s like somehow you get detached from the current existing world. Sound and noise that normally surrounded you, started to get muffle and weak. Chatters from the table in front, or even people who are talking or shouting to you. Their voice are just not able to pass through.

Next. Vision started to impair. Everything is slowly turning into black and white. Well not really. It’s a weird, faded, grainy type of looking. Everything seems not interesting anymore, and yet lethal.

Why I’m writing this? I don’t know.

I think I lost something.

Many things happened recently.

Many subtle things.

That changed me quite a lot.

I used to be quite open about my… Everything? The good parts, the bad parts. The beautiful parts, and those weird and nasty parts.

But now if I want to say something, or suggest something to someone, or just about to share something that I found. I became quite anxious. A lot of those taboo things that I found myself fascinated with. I never consider that someone, or probably many others will find them disgusting. Or I knew that all along, just didn’t want to admit it.

True. You can never force someone to fall in love with something. Especially that “something” has its weird side. However you can expect someone to put up with that and satisfy you by doing something that you love, but you can never force someone to love doing it.

Well, I don’t know. But I guess from now on if they don’t mention it first, I better don’t start talking about it either.

Wish everyone can eventually get what they really wanted.


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